I am Ridiculous...

All of my life I've tried to make other people, mostly those I love, care for or feel inspired by happy. When they were down, I would try to offer some words of guidance or support so that they knew they weren't bad, crazy, in the wrong or well, whatever the situation was. I would then worry about that person, hoping they were OK. Worrying that they were sad, or defeated. See I hate that other people struggle or feel down especially if its someone who I'm close too. 

Growing up I would help friends, co-workers, family members including adults. But what I found was that there was very rarely anyone there to help me. When I was down, struggling or just looking for someone to be there-there generally wasn't anyone. That because of a common realisation for me throughout all of the years. 

As an adult I found being friendly was the best option, I didn't want to fake being strict, I wouldn't join the hypocritical bitchy crews that seemed to pool together in each workplace and I wouldn't try to cause trouble to others when in my opinion it was a pointless act. A waste of time, energy and breath and you know, life is far too short to deal with that kind of shit. 

As a teenager, I found I was confused about who I was. See I am friendly to most people, neutral in most situations, I hate drama as it drains me and I just want to go through life meeting interesting people, working, earning money to survive and that's that. But, people have this first impression and generally, once they have that imprinted then nothing can change that. If you don't meet those impressions then all hell breaks loose. 

I am short so people think I'll be a walkover, cute, innocent, sweet but, when they meet me and I'm not ''always'' those things then problems arise. See I don't tolerate rudeness, disrespect, I believe in saying sorry if you've done wrong, taking ownership and learning from mistakes and I believe that a smile and a thank you never did any harm. But, most others that I've come across don't. If I have to stick up for myself and protect myself (or my lively hood) then I'm tarnished with being a ''bitch'' (as I'm generally neutral or quiet). If I don't stick up for myself then I'm tarnished with being a ''pushover'' or ''attention seeker''. 

It took me many years to understand who I am. And that person is ridiculous. 
Ridiculous for letting people walk all over me for so many years. 
Ridiculous for caring about others before myself. 
Ridiculous for keeping quiet when I should have been defending myself loudly. 
Ridiculous for letting people push me over. 
Ridiculous for believing that this is how my life is. How it should be. 
Ridiculous for feeling like I have to smile continuously. 
Ridiculous for feeling bad for being an outsider for not joining in with the cliques and bitches. 
Ridiculous for letting people off with things that should have been taken further. 
Ridiculous for wasting so much of my life 'caring'. 
Ridiculous for not taking a stand. 

I have many flaws, don't get me wrong. I'm aware of my limitations and I'm aware of my strengths but in the past, I've never actioned those strengths. Things are about to change. This is my year of change, I am shaking off my old name and you know, it doesn't feel so ridiculous. If people can't take me as I am then that's their problem and not mine. 

Does anyone else feel like shaking off their old self, letting their inner selves shine a bit brighter? 


Statement: Nothing to disclose

No comments

Comments are always appreciated. If you have a comment or want to discuss something 'off record' you can always drop me an email at sweetelysepr@gmail.com