Awareness | The Parenting Struggle & Power Inequality


Recently my fiance, A Pirate's View posted about his situation with his son and the mother of his son.

The article can be found here: Long Distance Parting Rights | My Story. 

It was a tough article to write and he's not found it so easy to put himself out there into the blogging world, but he knew he had to do it because there are so many dads out there who want to be in their child/children's lives but don't get the chance. So many mums stop dads from seeing their children, can you imagine being away from your kids? 

But why, why does this happen? Because there are no equal rights for parents when they separate. 

Well, OK, there is equal rights but more often than not the other parent has to fight hard for them. They have to find a good solicitor, they have to attend mediation or court and even then they still have to deal with the other parent while they try to keep constant in their kid's lives. When the only reason for breakdown is unhappiness then why should parents have to fight so hard? It is so unfair? Why should parents stay together if they're incredibly unhappy just to have equal rights? Where is the fairness of that? 

I understand the concern if the separation has come about because of alcohol, drug or other forms of abuse. I one hundred percent get it, but if the separation has arisen because the two parents are so unhappy being together, if they have become different people, if they argue a lot, if they cannot be the best possible versions of themselves and therefore the best possible parent, then it's obvious the clear choice would be for them to separate. 


Separating so they can be happy, separating so they can be the best version of themselves and therefore the best possible version of a parent is so much more important than sticking together because society deems that they will only have equality if they do. What does that teach the next generation? Depression levels will rise, illness levels will rise and no-one benefits in the long run. 

When one parent hold power over their children (whether legally given or because they presume they own that power) it doesn't benefit the children. Children need two parents (unless one is an addict for example) as it helps them socially, it helps them emotionally and it gives them stability. But, more often than not one parent uses this so called 'power' to bully and threaten the other parent into doing what they want, giving them what they want. This type of parent has no care about the long term detriment that it will cause the children and it's this type of parent who thrives on controlling and manipulating others. 

It hurts my heart. It really does. 

So Connor is going through a similar situation, with that comes some added newly found inaccuracies based on conception dates, pregnancy notes and the lies that his sons mum told him during her pregnancy and beyond. After these inaccuracies being highlighted, he emailed her to ask and was met with abuse [as usual]. See it's typical for the manipulating and controlling parent to answer with abuse, to turn it around on the one with less power and then to go crying to their online network, their friends and those who aren't aware of the whole situation to bleat that they are being bullied. They basically turn it around so that they get attention - again they manipulate the situation. 

So I fully recommend that you check out his post. It's a real one and an honest one and something that affects the both of us equally every single day. 

Please show him some love in his comments or this comments as at the moment, as we try to tackle this situation with strength, love, respect and most of all - with the children in mind. 

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34 comments

  1. I think as with everything it's very personal. My daughter's father and I separated when she was a baby. He has always had unlimited access, yet chooses to see her very little. Every case is different x

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    1. I agree. It's a tough situation, but when you're separated by a power struggle and water it's tougher I think. Especially when the laws are so different. There really shouldn't be a power struggle, not when it takes two to make the baby (unless the power is given via courts, social work etc) x

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  2. I really don't like how some mothers stop the father seeing the kids for no good reason. This can't be an easy situation and I have no idea what it's like as i don't have kids

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  3. I can't imagine not being able to see my child, so heartbreaking when good parents are denied the chance to be so.

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  4. Really interesting piece. Well written. Separations in Ireland seem to always be on the mothers side when children are involved.

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  5. My husband and his ex separated shortly after their son was born. My husband was there for everything however it was always on his ex's terms. It's been 4 years and we have him 4 days out of the week, but it wasn't always like this.

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  6. I am sorry to hear about his story and indeed, the mother doesn't have the right to keep the child away from him. In my case however, my father didn't care to see me and my sister after the divorce and it was really hard to face the truth. it was like 11 years and us being part of him meant nothing to him.

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  7. This is a tough situation and I can't imagine myself on his place. One thing's for sure, he's a great father, he loves his son and he deserve great things in life!

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  8. I'm sorry to hear about this :( I hope it all gets resolved soon!

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  9. It has got to be a really hard situation when one parent is kept from their children, it makes me sad that loving parents don't get to see their little ones.

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  10. Yes rights are very different... Courts need to look at details a little closer in my opinion.

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  11. It's such a tough situation. My sons dad and I separated when he was four and it was so difficult given how the marriage had ended, but he had a great relationship with his dad and we have put our differences aside.

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  12. Oh bless Connor. Something similar happened with my foster brother, the mother of his child stopped him seeing his own daughter and she has not been able to see him in over 7 years x

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  13. This breaks my heart. If parents do not want to be together that is fine. But everyone should have the ability to see their kids if they want.

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  14. This sounds like an awful situation for everyone involved.

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  15. I generally blame lack of communication... people hardly talk these days, honestly and from the heart... this could resolve so many situation if only people communicate and clearly state what they want and why this is important to them. I wish you strenght in this hard situation.

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  16. Sometimes it's even the other way around, I know a couple of Dads who have full custody of their children and don't let the mothers near, some rightfully so - some not.
    I was lucky to grow up in a household where my parents are still together after 30 years, and can't even fathom what it must be like for the kids, or the parents!

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  17. It must be really hard, but every situation is so unique which is why it sometimes has to go through the courts etc.

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  18. There are so many children out there who wish they still had there parents then their is your fiancees ex who seems to be making it hard for your man to see his son. What's the world coming to? What about whats right for the child

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  19. I can't imagine how tough it must be to be denied access to see your child x

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  20. Sorry to hear about this and it's sounds he is in a tough situation. Really feel for him and hope it gets easier x

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  21. These situations are so difficult, I hope its resolved soon

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  22. It must be really difficult for him and shame also for the child not to see his dad. I can't imagine not seeing my children.

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  23. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be in this situation. When my parents broke up, my mum was very nice about things to my dad for the sake of my sister and I. It's a shame things have to be so sour :(
    xx

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  24. It's so difficult and every case is so different, it's really hard on everyone isn't it?

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  25. I always find it so upsetting when I see fathers wanting to see their kids and the mums don't allow it; considering that they want to be part of their life I do not understand anyone who wouldn't allow that! Must of been very hard to write about such a tough topic and to share it online too

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  26. This can be very sad and difficult, its a shame that dads want to see kids but some mums won't allow it, more needs to be said on the topic.

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  27. Sorry to hear about this, it sounds like a tough situation for all involved x

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  28. Oh what an awfully sad situation, so tough. I wish there was more support in place to help all parties xxx

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  29. My parents split up when I was very young and I've always been able to see both of them whenever I wanted. I can't imagine what it would be like to not have the freedom to see both parents, or to have to choose. I couldn't do it. I went over to your fiance's blog and read his post. Well done to him for opening up and writing about something so personal. xx

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  30. My cousin is going through the exact same situation and it's terrible to know that the fight is far from over and that nothing can really help. Hope Connor gets through this quickly and with as little stress as possible

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  31. I have the opposite problem almost. I have always offered contact with my children to their father and he knows he can see them at any time, so is very complacent about seeing them :( Kaz x

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  32. Fair play to your partner for opening up and highlighting the issue of ex-partners and parenting. I can only imagine and hope to sympathise with how difficult it must be - I hate to think how I would react with the situation if I was in the same shoes.

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  33. This sounds like such a tough situation for the whole family :( I'm moving out of our family home next week due to me and my fiance drifting apart, and I'm so worried about the affects it will have on our youngest. He adores his daddy but at the moment all his daddy does is ignore him. I hope he doesn't just stop wanting to see him as so many dads can't see their kids due to mums not letting them.

    Louise x

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Comments are always appreciated. If you have a comment or want to discuss something 'off record' you can always drop me an email at sweetelysepr@gmail.com