Breaking Up | Conscious Uncoupling

You know I've been married for years - twelve to be exact. I've talked about marriage, relationships and what makes it work plenty of times before but I realised, yesterday while chatting to some co-workers that I've never discussed how to tackle a separation. Now just because I'm married doesn't mean I haven't had my heart broken, believe me, I have so I like to think I can offer some advice here on conscious uncoupling or at least enough to ease the transition.

Summer's nearing and with this seasonal changes comes some pretty major shifts in our lives - some will move away, some will return home. School, colleges, gap years and just plain natural separations will all happen but especially more so in summer. There are a lot of variables that come into play when the suns out when we feel more positive because there's more sunlight or even because we're out and about more. The thing is if you're partner is a dick and you've come to realise you're just not in love then the best thing is to cut ties. However, if you're undecided about whether you should try again to renew a failing relationship or how to cut ties I hope this little listable will help you out and make things easier.

Do You Really Want This....?

The first thing you need to do is make sure it’s what you really want. I previously wrote a blog post on The secrets to a happy marriage. If you've taken a look at that and thought 'ugh' then you have some deciding to do my lovely. No matter what books and films would have you believe, the best relationships aren’t always sunshine and rainbows. You shouldn’t necessarily split up with somebody who is otherwise perfect for you because they don’t cater to your every single whim and need. All relationships have rough patches. They aren’t always a rush of chemicals and excitement. Make sure that a break up is what you really want, as it isn’t fair to send your partner mixed signals or go backwards and forwards with them until you know what you want. You either put your all into this relationship and make it work or let it go completely.

Be Honest With Them

If you’ve decided that you want to break up, be honest with your partner. Depending on the state of your current relationship, they may or may not have seen it coming. If they didn’t, this will be hard on them, so expect a multitude of reactions. If it’s something they can do something about, then maybe give your relationship one last chance to work. If it’s a difference you just won’t be able to work through, then make that clear. You don’t want to give them any false hope or ideas that you’ll get back with them one day. If you’re married, then you can look into getting a divorce online to make the next step easier, rather than using solicitors and dragging out the process.

Considering Others

If there are children or a close family involved, consider them. Of course, you shouldn’t stay with anybody out of obligation, but you should consider how you’ll break the news to them and say your goodbyes. You could discuss this with your ex-partner.

Get To Know Yourself Again

Instead of heading straight out there and trying to find somebody to take the pain away, you should absolutely take the time to get to know yourself again. What do you want to do with your spare time now that you have more of it? What do you want to make a hobby? Learn more about? Take plenty of time to rediscover yourself.

Many people lose themselves in a relationship, so get to know the real you again. It's summer so there's plenty to do, plenty of sunlight and hopefully, you'll still have some holidays available from work to get out and try new things.

Cut All Contact

This is probably the hardest part because it means having a new routine, changing old ways and this says it's final. Cutting all contact with them is plausible even if you have children. While you will always have a relationship if you have children you need to cut them out of your life and then reintroduce them as your children's father or mother. Even if you're removing all traces of that life, delete them from your phone, then re-add them as an official name, change the fragrance you wore that they loved (at least until the rawness has gone), change up the layout of your home and bedroom (especially the bedroom), buy different foods, do the things they hated (leaving the toothpaste lid off...hello!) It's the small steps that will trick your brain into cutting contact.

You want them to know that you’re cutting all contact with them (in whatever capacity fits your situation of course) because you don’t want to make it harder on either of you. If you’ve been in constant contact for the past few years, it can be really difficult to do this. You may want to message them just to see if they are OK or to check their social media pages - don't! block them. One day you may be able to speak with them again and even be friends but until you are both fully over the relationship and break up, it won’t be healthy to have any kind of relationship unless you both consciously uncoupled together.

Learn Lessons From The Break-Up

OK, so you decided to break up. Things are tough and you felt like your world was falling apart. Well, it will get better. My advice for this stage is to stop viewing the breakup as a negative event. Sure you had your heart broken but how did the relationship and the split strengthen you as a person. We go through bad things to build strength in our character and this is no different. So, make sure you take heed of any lessons that come from the break up.

No relationship is wasted providing you learn from it. What did this person teach you about life and about yourself?