I wanted to tackle a personal subject which is hard to write about. As a new blogger, it's slightly intimidating to put yourself out there but, I hope in writing this that it helps others. So that they realise they are not alone. That this treatment is not okay. So where do I start? I suppose I should start at the beginning.
The beginning
I had no life experience or idea of the costs of living in the real world. I lived with my parents and there was a ten year age gap between myself and ''G'' at the start of our relationship. We met online via Facebook games and agreed to meet in Amsterdam where she was living (illegally but I was unaware she was illegal at the start). Over 2010 and 2011, we did the whole long-distance things which was hard, that is until she fell pregnant with my son in 2011. I thought what we had was love, this was my first relationship and I suppose, I wanted it to be love and found I didn't question the parts of our relationship that felt 'off' as I was simply in denial.
Ultimately looking back, the relationship with 'G' was not a good one. She was very controlling and manipulative. She knew how to play on my bad memory and, due to the age gap, I found myself believing the words she fired at me. I fell on every nasty word she said and was a naive little boy who had no life experience. I fell on every nasty word she said to me which resulted in me being isolated and depressed. I didn't want to tell anyone about the issues in our relationship, I was in denial. I hide a lot from those close to me and the end result was that I became a recluse, I had no confidence and I had no support system. It was only my son that got me through. I did mention this to G on many occasions but she never cared and would call me stupid or 'Ogag' and would turn the situation around on me so I was 'the bad guy'. This went on for years.
During this time I would send money, usually around £300 to £500 every month while also saving for our future in Amsterdam, the dream of being with my son kept me going and I worked my ass off to save for that as well as saving for my next plane ticket to the Philippines.
The Breakdown
Over time our relationship broke down because I pulled my head out of the cloud of denial. When someone beats you down so low, you have no way to go other than up. Realising that taking actions were not that of a loving partner and were more akin to a bully I decided I wasn't going to let her break me. Staying with this woman would mean I would either a) not be alive to see my son grow up as the depression would sink in deeper or b) I would stay with a bully and nothing would change. Either option didn't sit with me.
After the split I still messaged daily to find out how my son was, to find out if he needed anything and to ask her to tell him I loved him. She answered on occasion but mostly I was met with no response or one-word answers. With very little information in terms of how my son was and what he had been up to I worried a lot. I was on the other side of the world, missing my son greatly and had no way of resolving that.
I continued to send money for their living costs but I didn't realise that the large sums of money I sent was way above what was considered normal in the Philippines and even the UK. That is until I realised I couldn't move out of my parents home because I simply didn't have enough money. Like I said, I was naive. When 'G' asked for hundreds of pounds, I sent it. I thought that was what my son needed and I didn't want to provide any less than what was required. 'G' didn't agree though and I was cornered and manipulated into sending more money.
The UK Government states that via CSA a child would be entitled to £28 per week here in the UK on the same wage that I earn with the same contact that I get. The cost of living is far lower in the Philippines so I would send £155 per month and cover additional costs. When I sent her the money, she laughed at me and went online to bitch about me being a bad guy. I was met with abuse and hostility every time she didn't get her own way and funnily enough it always revolved around money. Getting updates at this point was harder than getting blood out of a stone. I was deeply hurt and that aching I had in my guts only grew as I missed my son more and more.
The End
During this time I would send money, usually around £300 to £500 every month while also saving for our future in Amsterdam, the dream of being with my son kept me going and I worked my ass off to save for that as well as saving for my next plane ticket to the Philippines.
The Breakdown
Over time our relationship broke down because I pulled my head out of the cloud of denial. When someone beats you down so low, you have no way to go other than up. Realising that taking actions were not that of a loving partner and were more akin to a bully I decided I wasn't going to let her break me. Staying with this woman would mean I would either a) not be alive to see my son grow up as the depression would sink in deeper or b) I would stay with a bully and nothing would change. Either option didn't sit with me.
After the split I still messaged daily to find out how my son was, to find out if he needed anything and to ask her to tell him I loved him. She answered on occasion but mostly I was met with no response or one-word answers. With very little information in terms of how my son was and what he had been up to I worried a lot. I was on the other side of the world, missing my son greatly and had no way of resolving that.
I continued to send money for their living costs but I didn't realise that the large sums of money I sent was way above what was considered normal in the Philippines and even the UK. That is until I realised I couldn't move out of my parents home because I simply didn't have enough money. Like I said, I was naive. When 'G' asked for hundreds of pounds, I sent it. I thought that was what my son needed and I didn't want to provide any less than what was required. 'G' didn't agree though and I was cornered and manipulated into sending more money.
The UK Government states that via CSA a child would be entitled to £28 per week here in the UK on the same wage that I earn with the same contact that I get. The cost of living is far lower in the Philippines so I would send £155 per month and cover additional costs. When I sent her the money, she laughed at me and went online to bitch about me being a bad guy. I was met with abuse and hostility every time she didn't get her own way and funnily enough it always revolved around money. Getting updates at this point was harder than getting blood out of a stone. I was deeply hurt and that aching I had in my guts only grew as I missed my son more and more.
The End
I noticed she would go days, if not a week without responding. That is until it grew closer to 'payday' where she would message me asking for money or suddenly being nice, sending a photo here or there to tide me over. I started to see a pattern and I grew frustrated. Any father would do in those circumstances. So I advised her that things had to change. I requested a breakdown of expenses, this was a two-way parenting relationship and I had to know what expenses my son had so I could work out what I was able to cover. If she couldn't provide a simple breakdown then the money would stay in the UK and go into savings accounts and investments for my sons future. I knew my son wasn't struggling as his mum has a decent life in the Philippines, unlike many other Filipinos.
Without the breakdown and with things still up in arms, I decided to send physical goods to my son for Christmas rather than trusting his mum to purchase toys with money (She was sent £500 before and bought one cheap toy, no explanation where the rest went). I sent books, clothing, teddies, cars, figures, and other fun toys. I saw him on Skype over Christmas and he loved them, especially his custom Build a Bear teddy that said 'Samuel, daddy loves you'.
What did his mum do?
Well, she took it from him and sold it all out of malice. She sold everything I had bought him in the past too like his Nintendo DS. This broke my heart. My sons mum put it all online for ridiculously low prices while mocking the gifts in the descriptions. That left me even more furious because how could I now send things to my son? As soon as the money stopped being sent. I found I was ghosted online and blocked on Skype. She stopped allowing me to speak to my son, she stopped responding to emails, her own sister emailed me saying ''money talks'' which basically proved that they were clearly only in this for money. And not because me having access to my son is the best thing for him.
The Inaccuracies & her lies
When 'G' fell pregnancy she told me my son was due in July. I blindly believed her. When my son was born nearly a month late, I was filled with so much love. I recently found that he wasn't born a month late, that this was a lie as my solicitor stated that the pregnancy notes. clearly, show he was due on August 8th. His mum was advised this at each scan and each prenatal appointment (yet she says she didn't know). She also stated sexual contact took place at the end of November - I wasn't there at that time... hmmm!
'G' was clearly advised of the dates. When I questioned her on these hoping that she would have an explanation for these irregularities she, as usual, turned it around me. Acting innocent, saying I was bad for questioning it, when in fact it wasn't me but actually the solicitors. See, they had to establish a biological bond between Samuel and I but after finding these inaccuracies they realised that the court would question it. So, a DNA test may be the only way forward so I can get equal parental rights. I was gutted. 'G' headed straight to social media to portray me as being someone who wanted a test to get 'less' responsibilities, saying I was a bad guy for wanting the test. Then she flipped, and, I mean flipped. Full-on pity party full of lies.
In 2011 I visited her in Amsterdam in October.
Without the breakdown and with things still up in arms, I decided to send physical goods to my son for Christmas rather than trusting his mum to purchase toys with money (She was sent £500 before and bought one cheap toy, no explanation where the rest went). I sent books, clothing, teddies, cars, figures, and other fun toys. I saw him on Skype over Christmas and he loved them, especially his custom Build a Bear teddy that said 'Samuel, daddy loves you'.
What did his mum do?
Well, she took it from him and sold it all out of malice. She sold everything I had bought him in the past too like his Nintendo DS. This broke my heart. My sons mum put it all online for ridiculously low prices while mocking the gifts in the descriptions. That left me even more furious because how could I now send things to my son? As soon as the money stopped being sent. I found I was ghosted online and blocked on Skype. She stopped allowing me to speak to my son, she stopped responding to emails, her own sister emailed me saying ''money talks'' which basically proved that they were clearly only in this for money. And not because me having access to my son is the best thing for him.
The Inaccuracies & her lies
When 'G' fell pregnancy she told me my son was due in July. I blindly believed her. When my son was born nearly a month late, I was filled with so much love. I recently found that he wasn't born a month late, that this was a lie as my solicitor stated that the pregnancy notes. clearly, show he was due on August 8th. His mum was advised this at each scan and each prenatal appointment (yet she says she didn't know). She also stated sexual contact took place at the end of November - I wasn't there at that time... hmmm!
'G' was clearly advised of the dates. When I questioned her on these hoping that she would have an explanation for these irregularities she, as usual, turned it around me. Acting innocent, saying I was bad for questioning it, when in fact it wasn't me but actually the solicitors. See, they had to establish a biological bond between Samuel and I but after finding these inaccuracies they realised that the court would question it. So, a DNA test may be the only way forward so I can get equal parental rights. I was gutted. 'G' headed straight to social media to portray me as being someone who wanted a test to get 'less' responsibilities, saying I was a bad guy for wanting the test. Then she flipped, and, I mean flipped. Full-on pity party full of lies.
In 2011 I visited her in Amsterdam in October.
She had her periods on the 28th so no pregnancy would have taken place here. Conception would have been rare and my son would have been born in July. She had her periods on the 28th which shows there was no viable pregnancy and given she wasn't ovulating pregnancy at this would have been difficult anyway.
I then visited her again in Amsterdam in November.
• November 24th (9pm+) - November 27th (6 pm) | EDD Aug 17th - Aug 20th.
She was due her periods on the 26th. I returned on the 27th. Conception would have been rare. The notes also state that sexual contact happened at the end of November 28th + I wasn't there then...
For my sons due date to be August 8th I had to be there on or around November 11th to the 14th. I wasn't though. There was some of her rather immature responses and her attempt to show me as the bad guy in the hope I'd stop questioning her. Please note all I did was email her to ask the questions, and, to advise the solicitors may request a DNA Test. No abuse, no threats, nothing other than wanting the best for my son...This was my initial email. No nastiness. Just facts.
And this is what she emailed me with (as well as a whole day worth of abuse online and on email) and then below screengrab is what she eventually put on her social media when she realised I wouldn't give up on my son.
And this was the ridiculous online response...
This is what I am dealing with regularly. The situation is crazy but where do-dads stand in situations like this? Shuddering because they're scared people will believe the lies that come out of this type of mums mouth. Many will have backed down and stopped questioning the mum, however, I need to question or at least go via solicitors and the legal teams because I won't give up on getting access to my son.
I've tried to come to some resolution for the sake of my son but whenever she hears things that she doesn't want to or realises that her image of being innocent comes tumbling down she manipulates those around her to feel sorry for her. How does this help my son?
I know this happens to so many guys across the world and it's wrong. Luckily I have a good legal team who can see through it all and have been the ones to highlight some pretty major inaccuracies that we will have to come to a resolution on, Regardless of the outcome of the DNA tests, Samuel is my son and as his father I will never give up on him or hope he has the best possible life.
By taking the legal route and the DNA route I am not shirking off any responsibilities but in fact trying to add to them. To have my son in my life, for him to know both parents and to have a somewhat long-distance relationship with a loving family until he's old enough to choose his path.
If you have gone through something similar, or, you need advice on this topic please get in touch. I'll be happy to support those in need or to provide the details of the Philippine solicitors in order to assist you with your own legal cases.
Stay strong guys! Never give up on your kids.
Connor
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