Pregnancy Update | 5 Weeks 5 Days

I write this on Christmas Eve. I am currently 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant and I feel great. Over the last few days, my symptoms have remained pretty much the same as before, tired, hungry, still not liking anything overly sweet.

I still have the niggles from the round ligament stretching, my boobs are still achy and all is well.

Two days ago we went to the early pregnancy clinic with a small pain on my left side which subsided but I figured we'd get it checked, it was possibly a cyst or something but after the usual checks - urine, palpating the stomach, internal checks, and cervical checks, temperature, blood pressure and blood tests (HCG) we had the all-clear.

On Saturday (yesterday) the hospital called to say our HCG level was 712, although this was low in my opinion it was perfectly fine for the 5-week pregnancy mark. I had to go back today to get my second HCG test done as they expect the HCG levels to double every 48 hours so we expected our result to be 1424 today or more...

Waiting 48 hours from our first test was hard, with my sons around I had to hide our anxiety and the worry that the test would not be where we wanted. But all-in-all there was no reason why it shouldn't. I had no more pain, I felt fine. I had the all-clear on Friday and I was positive.

We couldn't wait to get the all-clear, to grow and develop and see this baby being born in August 2018.

I had the call today with my results...

My HCG had dropped!!! It's dropped from 712 to 192. That's an incredibly large drop and the doctor said:

''Your levels have dropped from 712 on Friday to 192 today. This tells us you will miscarry - you need to come back in three weeks to do another test''

That's it. No care or consideration - I sat there trying to keep my shit together as we'd just been told this pregnancy was not viable. I am truly heartbroken. Truly. This is not how Christmas should be, we should be getting amazing news that our pregnancy is developing and we were eventually going to be parents together.

We miscarried in September and October We were only around 16DPO at that point but never this far. I know to others it's nothing - that we are early, that it isn't a baby yet. But those words mean nothing to me.

When you have 17 positives!!! (yes really), when you feel your body change and adapt, when you physically know the baby is in your stomach growing only to be told it won't grow anymore you can't help but grieve. But to truly feel the loss of your child regardless of how far into the pregnancy you are.

Christmas will never be the same for me. I will celebrate it with my sons and I will truly be happy to see their little faces glow with happiness while opening their gifts but, I will never forget this baby. I will never forget the call from the doctor or not knowing when our baby will leave this world.

I can't help but want to hibernate and wake up again when the pain has gone away. I'm not ready for it, I'm not ready for the physical pain on this baby leaving or the emotional pain from baby bean leaving.

I'm not ready to see the looks on the faces of those who we told - my mother in law, father in law and sister in law. More so, I'm not ready to see the look on Chris's face, knowing he won't hold this baby in his arms and knowing that my body couldn't do what it should have.

I know they say '' it's not your fault, that its nature taking over'' but the truth is I know it's my lack of progesterone that's done it. And, I can't help but feel angry about it. Three miscarriages in less than six months really kill me.

We will heal but I can't imagine when that will happen. Part of me is hoping the doctor gave us the wrong results or that things will improve but the rational part of me knows that's just the denial.

To anyone else going through this, losing a baby at Christmas or going through crap right now - I'm sending my love and hugs to you. I'm here for you!!!