TTC Journey | Loss & Heartache

I was married and had children when I was twenty, twenty-one and twenty-four. Conceiving my little dudes was not easy as I was met with issues surrounding prolactin, ovulation and generally getting pregnant. Many tests later and many years after trying to get pregnant I conceived my sons and after having my third son, I went through sterilisation.

Fast forward to 2017 where I underwent sterilisation reversal in the hope to conceive with my fiancé. While things changed in terms of our home life, nothing changed when it came to the trying to conceive journey. Now in my thirties, I also have PCOS, although I do think it was undiagnosed in my earlier years which is why I had problems. I do have my age going against me now compared to before and then there’s the sterilisation surgery and the subsequent surgery to put me back together again.

While we have more going against us, I remain hopeful that we will see that BFP and not one that results in miscarriage as unfortunately, we have had two miscarriages up until this point. Seeing that BFP and getting excited, the anticipation of what comes next in our journey only to see it fade. The physical pain you feel as everything comes away is only a teeny tiny portion of the actual pain felt during a miscarriage. After our first, we fell pregnant quickly – the following month to be exact but, on that occasion, the positive results on Clearblue and First Response weren’t met with excitement and anticipation, they were met with sadness and worry. And, those emotions were quite rightly placed as one to two weeks later we were losing what would have been another baby.

Seeing Chris’s face when he saw the positive pregnancy tests only hurt more because I couldn’t bear to see his face when I told him that it hadn’t stuck. See most people only consider the female’s feelings when they miscarry because well, they’re the ones carrying but, it affects men just as much. They also have the excitement, the anticipation, the big rush of love that comes from knowing they will become a daddy (for the first time or subsequent times) and when that goes away, it’s hard for anyone to get rid of those feelings and emotions. After all, they also lose a part of themselves, quite literally just in the same way that mums do.

So, we’re at a point now in our journey where the doctors are listening to us a bit more, we have progesterone blood tests coming up for day 28 to check why our levels drop at that point in the pregnancy. We’re hoping it resolves itself or, we get the help and support that we need it to carry a baby until it's safe to do so without any help.

While we’ve gone through a lot physically and a lot of heartaches, we both remain positive. We love each other, this has been upsetting but we continue to adore each other and believe that our love for each other will bring us together as a family at some point soon or in the near future.

For any mums or dads out there who are going through a loss, we send our love your way. For those who are trying to get pregnant, trying to keep their little beans safe and secure in their womb or are ready to give birth – we send our love to you too.

More updates to follow here’s hoping it’s good updates.