End of 2018 | New Year Ahead

Another year ends and another recap post. This year I've definitely posted less for a multitude of reasons. For this year, it will change. I've gone through the worst lows and the best highs and all-in-all I've come out of 2018 far calmer, far more balances and more aware of who I am as a person. This leads me to believe that I needed 2018 and all of its shit to get me to a good place again, 2019 will be that good place.

Sure there will be ups and downs. Hell, you can't have a year with no retrograde, no positive without the negative and the same goes for the year ahead. But while there will be tough points, there will be amazing points and so much growth for us individually and as a couple. I'm looking forward to it.

Realisations

As I've mentioned 2018 brought me to so many lows. So many losses both in pregnancy and friendships and family relationships. At the time it was hard, although I seem pretty hard on the outside or emotionless, as a person I tend to feel far too much. The simplest thing hurts me, I always feel like the second option in all I do. It's something that's plagued me throughout the past year and I've struggled greatly with it. For me, I try my damned hardest to help everyone else, typically putting myself as the second option. I burn myself out, I communicate better now than I ever have but it's hard asking for help, realising that others may find the request petty or stupid, or not understand your reasoning. I suppose I'm lucky that Connor may not see my pain (I'm good at hiding it and he's good at burying his head) but together we help each other. Talking is the key to healing!

Health & Loss

Seven miscarriages, the testing is still on-going but we've had so much pain I don't believe that us having a child together is an option, although a hard realisation to face, it's, I suppose maybe the better option as losing another baby for unknown reasons would be too hard on the both of us. We continue on with the testing purely to find out a possible ''why'' and to find out if we have any more health issues that may affect us as the years go on.

2018 saw me being diagnosed as AMA-M2 positive which is the positive test for PBC (along with various symptoms). At present, I struggle with symptoms such as weight gain due to water retention, inability to eat due to bile, liver pain, nausea and extreme itching along with kidney issues as a secondary effect. I've had the symptoms for many years and liver issues since 2010 however, they never tested the AMA antibodies until 2018.

I continue to work on my symptoms and wellbeing in hope of slowing down the need for Urso however, it's been hard with the puffing up, leg swelling and liver symptoms. I wait to see if I will go on low dose steroids. I will be blogging more about the condition and what works in 2019 in the hope of helping others with the condition or other AMA based conditions.

Parenting

I have seen my sons grown into incredible men. Although still young, it's amazing to see a glimpse of what they will become. My eldest will become a teenager, the middle son a twelve-year-old and the little man double digits at ten years old. Samuel - Connor sons will also be greatly missed from our lives as he reaches seven years old in 2019 however resides in the Philippines.

Friendships

Along the way, we have met many alike friends. Some have grown to become the best of friends and it's these relationships we will be taking care of into 2019. The ones who also spend time on you, you too should spend time on them. So many people will take and give nothing - when you see someone change this dynamic they are worth everything.

Looking Forward

We're going back to nature. Back to spiritualism, crystals, natural healing and listening to signs around us; such as retrograde. As the cold full moon approaches on January 21st it's a good indicator that we need to ground ourselves. Hematite and Boji stones are great crystals to add to your routine at this time. They each ground us and help us remain where we are needed. They keep your emotions and energy on one level rather than going off on a tangent like they may tend to do at this time.

Personal goals for January for us as a couple include saving more - we plan on challenging each other to a takeaway free January. It will be tough, but much needed. I plan to eat low fat to beat my PBC side effects and Connor plans to join me where possible. We've also joined Skindad's 1p challenge, again so far so good. We've saved a bit more to get us ahead but it seems manageable. The aim is to save 1p each day which goes up in increments of 1p, the end result is saving over £650 by the end of the year. Fingers crossed it works out.

We've both made it a priority to continue on with our studies - both University and smaller personal studies - again Connor is coding focused, mine is Reiki based. My course so far has taught me a great deal of relatable Buddhist philosophies about living in the now, mindfulness and not letting your mind win. when it's chemically imbalanced it will be a great deceiver, making you believe falsities, making you feel not worthy and will make you want to self-sabotage. I can relate to this immensely which is why it's hit-a-cord with me. Going forward I plan to apply this to my day-to-day life and be mindful and present rather than letting the past eat me up.

The Rowan Moon and Imbolc begin on January 21st we plan to celebrate this as Imbolc focusses on the goddess Brighid who offers protection for mothers and families. She also champions power and success - to harness this we will be working more on the blog, bringing you very ''real'' posts - ones we hope you can both identify with and relate to.

Here's to a better year ahead than 2018 brought.