Catching Rainbows

Retrograde is hitting today!! Brace yourself. Now is the time to detox all of those built-up emotions, plans, tasks because if you don't they will continue to hit you again during next retrograde. I'm ready to purge haha.

So, I've lately been called 'deep'

It was a surprise to me, being called deep. I tended to always just think I was someone who future planned, problem solved, so that I could fix any problems before or just as they happen. Stress is something I dislike, so if I can forward plan any eventual issues I can prepare and have a plan, at least a small plan, in my head ready to trigger to reduce the impact of the event.

It's fared me well over the years.

See I'm one of those who attract drama, not through choice as I absolutely despise it, If I could I would live in a serene bubble with rose-tinted specs on. I'm empathetic to situations, unfortunately, this means that people latch on and with people, comes drama.

Sometimes when I try to plan for eventualities I get stuck. In my mind. I have no idea how things will play out for the better, it frustrates and upsets me that I can work out a route that ends up happy and one that ends up being the best for all involved. I've been stuck in one of those situations for a while, I try to ignore it and get on with things or sometimes choose the options that result in me self-sacrificing but sometimes something will also remind you or trigger the emotion or thought or basically pull your head right out of your ass so you're forced to deal with it.

For me, it's my relationship and my future.

For the last two years, we've been stuck in a ''TTC'' nightmare. One that's resulted in a whole heap of upset, guilt and blame. From 2017 to 2019 we've had seven miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy. The miscarriages varied in timescales up to 6.5 weeks and the ectopic was shy of 11 weeks. It literally seemed as though we were pregnant every second month, see falling pregnant wasn't an issue so we 'stumped' the recurrent miscarriage clinic, see they normally help those who cannot fall pregnant. We weren't textbook.

We went through the testing however and sure enough, I ovulate fine, my uterus and tubes were clear, no cysts, polyps - nothing. My immune system does overreact but they didn't feel it would be the cause. The hairy boy had male factor fertility testing done also and his results seemed to be the issue initially. But, because he was getting me pregnant the consultants just kept telling us to 'keep trying'

The hairy boy had more tests and managed to normalise his results however it was a slippery slope to maintaining normality as any sort of cold, flu or infection or even poor diet could affect it. Long story short between ensuring that all avenues were taken care of to ensure that a healthy sperm met the egg was tough. Likewise ensuring my body was optimum and I was ovulating and had normalised cycles was hard.

Eventually, we fell pregnant but had an ectopic in February. This was further than any of our other losses, I was on steroids to stop my immune system and progesterone suppositories just to support the pregnancy ''in case'' hormone drops were an issue, the hairy boy was eating right and taking a ton of supplements. After the salpingectomy, I was facing TTC with one tube. My right tube was gone which seemed to be my dominant tube and the consultants had no idea what the next step was other than 'keep trying' *yawn* their advice was growing thin.

Hairy boy was tested again and while normal it had decreased since the last test. I wasn't ovulating and having normal cycles, I was left to worry about time running out for us. I still do. After each loss, I was wracked with guilt as most people initially presumed it must be my fault. It has to be the mother right because she holds the baby but sometimes, it's neither person, or it can be male or female. But I took that on to myself because if people thought it was all me, then what good would it do saying we both had issues?

If it doesn't happen for us then it doesn't happen. I can say we have children together, they just aren't living. Nothing changes for me. But, it doesn't stop me feeling grief for what we could have had and could have, it seems so far away though and unfortunately I am getting older.

Having just got over an infection myself I know the impact of the infection on my immune system and that coupled with the weird cycle I've had I know this means that it might take time to get my body back to optimum. I'm trying to lose weight also with intermittent fasting (16:8) in the hope it all improves our chances, but I also sometimes feel so damn lonely with it all. I'm aware that every action we do at the moment can all fuck it up big time.

Stress, hormones, food, supplements, medications for conditions, lack or too much exercise, lack of sleep - damned everything can impact it.

I consider my future without having a hairy boy baby and I can accept that for us it might not happen, it fills me with so much sadness that it hurts my heart. I know how much I want this so I can imagine how much he wants this. I can't problem-solve our futures beyond that point. To do so would be selfish.

Yet, love prevails - but only with free will.

So any tips for overcoming infertility - that's not following the standard process greatly appreciated before it all drives me insane haha. We have set a deadline so that the whole TTC doesn't drive us insane but, with that, I'm wholly aware that each thing we do can hinder it and waste time in our short TTC timeline.

Infertility sure kicks your ass! It wears you out. I hope that getting the stagnated thoughts out will help kick start something after retrograde. Maybe you're also going through the same thing? Just know you're not alone, you're not crazy and there's always a new plan that can be made.